Why do you want to be a doctor?
“Why do you want to be a doctor? ” A question I’ve come across many times in my life, starting at the age of seventeen. I had applied (and later accepted) into a combined eight year medical program at NYU. I remember getting on the Long Island Rail Road, getting off at Penn Station and walking over to the eastside to NYU School of Medicine. I was mesmerized by the whitecoats and stethescopes. My interviewer was a pleasant dermatologist, Dr. Sanchez, who is still there. Of course, it was he who asked me this infamous question.
To be honest, I don’t quite remember how I answered the question. I remember being earnest at the time, but I look back at my youth and naivete and realize that I really didn’t know why at that time. How could I? I was only seventeen. This is not to say that my inner self didn’t know the answer. But the real reasons why I became a physician didn’t form into my consciousness until several years later.
As I began to realize the real reasons why I had become a physician, I realized that these reasons pervaded every nook and cranny of my life. Not only was I a fixer upper at work, I was also one in my personal life. I attracted people, unconsciously of course, who needed more than they were able to give. Some part of me must have believed that I didn’t deserve to be given anything back, otherwise why would I choose these kind of relationships?
It’s very difficult to let go of old patterns. To quote James Joyce, Mistakes are the portals of discovery. You do it enough times and you realize that there’s a pattern. Some people realize it, more often they don’t. I’m lucky that I’ve realized this in myself and I now strive to be around people who can give and take. Psychologists would call it cognitive behavioral techniques. I call it: I deserve better and walk away. Recently I’ve had to do this twice, it was difficult. A part of me wanted to go back to the unhealthy situation, but the stronger self knew better.
I’m also learning to listen to that voice of instinct. Somehow I’ve muted it and it hasn’t had such a strong voice. I’ve been given different sets of advice from caring friends, but there have been times when I realized that their suggestions would not serve me well. My instinct knew better.
If I were to be seventeen again with the knowledge and experience that I have now, my answer to Dr. Sanchez would have been entirely different. I would have replied, “Gnothi seuton”, Latin for “Know Thyself”. To understand who I am is to know why I became a doctor.
