I choose to write this on September 11th because of what I saw when I went to Long Island after the Twin Towers were destroyed. Driving to my parent’s home, about three blocks away, I spotted a huge Confederate flag boisted up. I was flabbergasted that someone could put up something that represented so much hatred. I experienced a mixture of anger, sadness, and fear. Ironically, my mother who has always turned a blind eye to racism, exclaimed, “That flag is beautiful”.
When I started college, my best friend told me that he thought I was scarred…from high school. It was hard to hear, I never thought about it until he said it to my face. He never asked me what specifically happened, or why I was so guarded, but somehow, he knew. I guess it was obvious. I was an Indian kid growing up in Nassau County, Long Island, in the 80s. I also had parents who were consumed with making it in this country. They could frankly care less about racism. Whenever anything happened, they offered the useless advice of, “Just ignore it.”
Last year I ran into someone I went to high school with, a nurse at the hospital. She was talking about people she still associated with…from high school. I looked at her in disbelief and disinterest. I could barely muster up an iota of sadness when I graduated from high school. I never wanted to look back, turn back, talk to anyone from my high school, let alone have a social network with them. Even now, when I go back to Long Island, I look around with disbelief that I had to suffer for 17+ years of life in the ultimate representation of the bourgeoise.
What was even more fascinating was when I relayed stories of high school to people I met later on in life. In particular, I was tormented by a white guy named Craig who made it a point to continuously humiliate me in front of others, for no good reason. It scarred me beyond belief because I never did anything to deserve it. I was a shy girl back then and it made me retreat back into my shell even more. I was perplexed and astounded that someone could treat me with such cruelty. A boyfriend once told me that this all happened because of racism. It never ever never ever dawned on me back then. He said, “He was a white kid who felt ashamed and angry because he had sexual feelings towards someone that isn’t white. So he took it out on you.” Elementary dear Watson, it took someone outside of that picture to see the forest from the trees. Even though the puzzle was put together, it didn’t take away the crap that was poured into me. It took me years to try and forgive, but never forget. Even now, I have mental hurdles that my white friends have to surpass before I can trust them and befriend them. I clearly remember at my 10 year high school reunion, one of Craig’s cohorts trying to give me a high fiver when he saw me. He tried to make nice and say, “Wow, you are the smartest girl I ever knew!” Can you spell G-U-I-L-T? And if I’m the smartest girl he ever knew, that’s pretty pathetic.
Before you think that I’m going to try and take the shackles off my leg and sing, “Nobody knows the troubles I’ve had…”, RELAX. This is not a soliloquy about the injustices of growing up brown. It is what it was. That will never change. I’ve learned to try and move on and understand that not everyone is like high school. Even back then, there were people who were globally minded. And I’m also well aware that adolescence is a turbulent time when not everyone is at their best. We’re miniature versions of our parents…trying desperately not to be like our parents. It’s one thing to talk about these things with your best friend, but in order to write freely you have to get it out, even if it means that others will hate you for your words. I also remember other kids, both white and ethnic, that were equally (if not more) tormented than me. Kids can be relentless.
I have also tired of living in a black and white world. America often reacts to things this way. People, there are other shades in the ethnic rainbow. We talk about white privilege and Black America but whatever happened to the social injustices towards immigrants? Even now as I watch 20/20, they focus on the two ends of the spectrum. There are many people of immigrant backgrounds who are just as smart, if not smarter than Obama and Bill Clinton. And their time will come. And when you talk about The Holocaust, please be aware that there have been MANY holocausts perpetrated all over the world (ongoing).
Seventeen years of internalization is traumatic, but it is history and instead of being angry and revengeful, I have elected to write about it and make as many short stories out of it as possible. The people that lost their lives in the WTC attack were from all different backgrounds. The best way to honor them is try to overcome hatred and embrace what made this country so wonderful in the first place: Diversity.
